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Published on March 5th, 2012 | by TRI Staff


Mitt Romney Fires Entire Campaign Staff and Hires Nicki Minaj, No Changes in Strategy Expected

By MC Infarction

BOSTON – GOP hopeful Mitt Romney’s decision to fire his entire campaign staff and hire Nicki Minaj as his operations manager is set to be a historic success, experts agree.

“Her ability to completely shift opinion and, more importantly, personalities instantaneously and my complete lack of consistency were a perfect fit,” said Romney.

Many Washington insiders suspected that Minaj was controlling elements of the Romney strategy long before her official hire. Rumors swirled in the last week that she would be formally brought aboard, but no one expected such a radical change.

“From a management perspective, this was an excellent decision,” said Romney, former chairman of Bain, a consultancy. “We fired 16 campaign managers who couldn’t agree with each other and hired one person who could do that just as well. None of her personalities get along. It’s great practice for Washington.”

Sean Hannity, a conservative commentator on Fox News, said he welcomed the change: “ Before Nicki was hired, we couldn’t understand how someone could be against contraception funding only three hours after supporting it. Now, it all makes sense”

Minaj could only be reached via e-mail, but issued the following response. “If I had a dick I would pull it out and piss on you.” Hours later, however, she followed up with “Shorty, I’ma only tell you this once: you the illest.” The confusion mounted with a third e-mail, sent a mere eight minutes after the second: “Mitt could be the king, but watch the queen conquer!”

In order to counteract the hiring of Minaj by Romney, it is suspected that President Barack Obama will seek a similarly forceful female presence on the campaign trail. Lil Kim’ reported to TRI that, at present, the White House had returned none of her calls.

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