TORONTO, CANADA – Rapper Drake entered adulthood this past weekend after celebrating his Bar Mitzvah at Temple Shalom Beth Shalom. The service was held at a local strip club, where the rapper allegedly completed his Torah portion making it rain on Yarmulke-wearing strippers. Reports indicate that the airborne cash was thousands of dollars obtained from Bar Mitzvah gifts.
The newly anointed “man”took advantage of the open bar, downing nearly fatal dosages of grenadine, and referring to it as “that purple” each time he ordered a drink. After the 18th Shirley Temple, Drake started answering only to “Drizzy.” Family-friendly DJs played “Hell Yeah Freaking Right,” edited at Drake’s mother’s request.
Earlier in the day, the rapper had recited a riveting passage from the Torah in perfectly auto-tuned Hebrew. “I’m half black; NORAH JONES. Half jew; BANK LOANS” rapped Drake in triumph after completing the ritual. Although Drake has never shied away from his Jewish heritage, he was extremely proud to have esteemed peers participate in his candle lighting ceremony: “YMCMB you don’t really know though, we have money in our name TWICE, it don’t get more jewish dolo” screamed rapper Lil’ Wayne, as he greeted guests with Rabbi Yonatan Goldenbergsteinwitz.
Drake’s bubbe could not be reached for comment, but was last seen shaking her head muttering, “that money was supposed to be for med school.” It is assumed that she disapproved of Drake’s interaction with strippers, since none of them were Jewish.
Drake is in talks with MTV regarding a production of “My Super Sweet 16,” in which the rapper has asked for a “Lambo with those cool doors.” Drake said that if they don’t get him one, his parents “obviously don’t love him.”
UPDATED: FOOTAGE FROM THE EVENT SURFACES