INDIO, CALIFORNIA — Coachella shocked the drug and music communities late last year in announcing the extra-week expansion of their festival. Now more shock as organizers of two of the summer’s most anticipated festivals, Burning Man and Bonnaroo, have seen their plans go up in smoke.
The reason: a global drought in marijuana and psychedelics caused solely by the astronomical spike in demand due to Coachella’s second week and the accompanying mass of bros looking to get their “blaze on, brah.”
“We guessed a two-week long Coachella could be a bit of a threat to our attendance and culture,” said Rodney Fields, the lead organizer of Bonnaroo, a music festival held annually in rural Tennessee. “But a sober Bonnaroo would be worse than some chill bro breaking your ice bong before Phish comes on. It’s that serious.”
“We couldn’t even find enough acid to get through planning Burning Man,” said El Armadillo del Fuego–the organizers of Burning Man requested to be quoted as their collective spirit creature, in hopes that channeling their spirit creature would “open the heavens with a rain of pure LSD.”.
One festival-goer, writing on Coachella’s official forum HeyWhoseGotSomeShrooms.org, wrote: “So basically we’re just going to listen to sit in dirt all cramped and listen to crap barely passable as music FOR A WHOLE WEEK?”
Responders to the forum added: “U MAD?” “#1%problems” and ”LOL slave to a plant.”
In related news, the DEA recently laid off two-thirds of its staff and is currently helping to organize a month-long Coachella for next year.