Published on April 30th, 2012 | by Jon Tanners0
Twista Raps Too Fast, Opens Time Warp
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS – Twista–the Guinness-rated fastest rapper alive–opened a time warp yesterday when an in-studio freestyle broke the sound barrier and destroyed 13 billion years worth of physics.
“He was rapping so fast. Then there was this whirring sound. I couldn’t tell if it was just unintelligible word vomit, a Sean Paul song, or a wormhole” said Twista’s engineer. “Thankfully, it wasn’t a Sean Paul song.”
As the interdimensional portal materialized in the studio, Twista apparently shouted “shit was better when Kanye returned my calls!” and dove headfirst into the past.
Since tumbling backwards in time, Twista has been on a bloodthirsty quest to eradicate fast rappers throughout history. In the past eighteen hours alone, Busta Rhymes, Bone Thugs N Harmony, Mystikal, and Tech N9ne have been removed from the public record–signalling either losses in Back to the Future themed rap battles or their brutal murders. Even seemingly innocuous contenders such as Chris Brown, Karmin, and this white kid have been erased from record books, blogs, and, most importantly, Wikipedia. Their pages have been replaced with pictures of Twista and links to all of his albums.
A curious after effect of Twista’s timespace rampage: rap fans still haven’t listened to a single song from the rapper’s catalog that isn’t “Slow Jamz” or “Overnight Celebrity.”
“It appears that defying the laws of physics doesn’t equal cultural relevance,” said the Stephen Hawking hologram that The Rap Insider built for the purpose of this article.
This story was made possible by interdimensional reporting from TRI’s current editorial staff and their pre-pubescent selves.