Brett Johnson, of Columbus, Ohio, smoked marijuana at approximately 3:14 in the afternoon this past Wednesday. At 4:43 PM, Johnson made the announcement that he was Kid CuDi’s most ardent supporter via a posting on Kid CuDi’s facebook fan page. “I smoked a fat blunt, and then, like, CuDi’s stuff just made perfect sense to me,” said Johnson. “I really understand the ‘lonely stoner’ thing, man. I can’t explain it, like, you just have to…you know be there.”
Johnson continued through CuDi’s discography and even found the rapper’s later albums, to be “pretty dope.” “It’s like he’s the Fallout Boy I always wanted but could never have,” wrote Johnson at 5:01 PM.
Johnson’s adoration, however, turned quickly to paranoia in a subsequent series of Facebook posts:
“Do u think CuDi faked going to the moon? Or maybe he built the man on the moon? Maybe he works for the government…maybe they know I’m smoking pots! FUCK U CUDI U CAN’T HAVE MY WEED!”
Eventually, paranoia gave way to hunger:
“I wonder if CuDi likes Cheetos as much as I do.”
Johnson fell asleep at 7:10 PM while listening to “Day ‘n’ Nite” and watching Planet Earth: Oceans. He plans to grow his first chest hair and discover Cypress Hill this summer.