By  MC Infarction

Dear Dr. Dre,

It’s your homeboy Ramon. Listen, I caught my son masturbating to Elmer Fudd. He’s seven. The fuck?

– Your homeboy Ramon

Ramon,

It is clear to me that this is really a call for help and that your son lacks a positive male role model in his life.

It is not uncommon for young men in trouble to turn to Elmer; he represents the best in all men striving to realize the American Dream. Like Captain Ahab before him, he chases his dreams with an almost mythic obsession. But more importantly, he will never be seen without his shotgun, his phallus, which is massive.

He is innovative, persevering, endearing and relatable. He is everything one should want his son to be, like a young Chris Brown, but bald and with a speech impediment.

That your son is so excited by Elmer’s masculinity and resolve should be reassuring to you and you should consider joining him the next time you see it occurring.

Sincerely,
Dr. Dre, MD, Ph.D., MPH
_____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Dr. Dre,

Yo, Dre. My girl got a mean yeast infection. She still down to fuck, but I ain’t gonna stick my dick in no green cottage-cheese, bread-rising goo shit. Namean? Got any tips?

– Father John Buchanan

Father,

You got a turkey baster? Because I’ve got the one-stop tip to clear that shit right up.

Believe it or not, a very typical therapy for yeast infection is yogurt! The probiotic effects of yogurt can help your body restore natural bacterial balance and fight off the yeast infection. Combine it with a course of Monistat (which you can pick up at any pharmacy) and you stand a good chance of beating it!

So grab that baster, fill it up with your favorite yogurt (I pick Fage because I’m RICH, mothafucka) and give it a good squeeze. In about a week or two, that pussy will be good as new.

If not, you know the motto: bitches ain’t shit.

Sincerely,
Dr. Dre, MD, Ph.D., MPH

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Questions for the Doctor? E-mail    DrDre@therapinsider.com  !