NIAGARA FALLS, NY – Tourist Ed Wilkenson, 55, is presumed dead today after chasing waterfalls in Niagara and plummeting over 150 feet into a wet rock bed.
“Now, I told him to stick to the rivers and the lakes that we’re used to over in Minnesota, you know,” said his wife, Ann Wilkenson, “But he always has to have it his way, or nothing at all.”
“Guess he learned his lesson,” she added.
And that he did. A spokesperson for the family states that, despite all the praying, the efforts of local law enforcement have been unsuccessful in their search for Mr. Wilkenson’s body. “So far,” said the spokesperson, “all they can find is his left eye.”
“I think he was moving too fast” said Niagara Falls Park Ranger Joe DeMatte. “It’s a common error for first-time park goers or, as we like to call them, scrubs.”