Published on June 25th, 2012 | by TRI Staff0
Physically Impossible for Aaron Carter to Have Beaten Shaq, Researchers Confirm
BOSTON – A new study conducted by Tufts University Department of Physics and The School of Hard Knocks, confirmed that Aaron Carter could not possibly have beaten Shaquille O’Neal in a one-on-one basketball game.
“Look, there have been some short, skinny NBA players before, but David Stern ensures that they’re never prepubescent or white,” said Jackson Morel, the head researcher of the project tentatively titled “I’m Telling You The Facts: Aaron Carter Did Not Beat Shaq.”
Morel continues, “Essentially, we’ve determined that it’s physically impossible for a scrawny pre-teen rapper to put it in the hoop like slam against one of the most dominant centers the NBA has ever known.”
“Now, Mr. Carter might be able to take on LeBron in a game consisting solely of 4th quarters, but definitely not Mr. O’Neal during his prime, or even the rotting carcass of O’Neal that played for all thirty NBA teams in his last two seasons.”
Following the study’s publication, O’Neal tweeted, “as long as I don’t have to make Kazaam 2, I will let any and all skinny white boys take me on. Bieber, tell me how my ass tastes.”
Charles Barkley chimed in and said that the whole concept was “turrible.”
In response, Mac Miller has released an official press statement issuing a challenge to the 2012 NBA Champion Miami Heat. The Heat have agreed to play with Miller as long as he promises to stop rapping.