Published on July 10th, 2012 | by TRI Staff0
Zooey Deschanel Dead in Apparent Overdose of Whimsy, Bath Salts
LOS ANGELES – Adorable and quirky TV and music star Zooey Deschanel is dead. Toxicologists at the City of Los Angeles have attributed the artist’s death to astronomical amounts of whimsy in her blood and also bath salts.
It is believed that in her final moments, she put on knee-high socks, danced an irish jig while listening to the Sesame Street theme song, railed a line of bath salts, and tried to eat her own toes.
“Turns out that when she was standing by the rain-covered window asking Siri if it was raining, it was only partly due to the fact that she’s just so darn quirky and capricious,” said LA coroner John Huddock.
Text message records obtained by the Rap Insider revealed a slew of other requests to Siri, including a shocking final question: “am I tastier because I’m adorable?”
Experts, like USC’s Felton Jones, say that the overdose could have been avoided: “You have all the warning signs of a silliness overdose right there: the ukelele, the polka dots, and that stupid fucking movie with the Smiths soundtrack and the kid from Angels in the Outfield.”
The artist was found by neighbors in her Malibu home naked, surrounded in Furbies.