By MC Infarction
SAN FRANCISCO – Rising pop star Frank Ocean–whose new album channel ORANGE came out just a week after he did–is in critical condition after suffocating in underwear.
The incident occurred at 11:30pm at the Fillmore after Ocean concluded his most recent set of sultry R&B tunes. The singer was overtaken by a sudden barrage of plaid, polka-dotted, and plain boxer-briefs. Dozens of men stood proudly pantless in the crowd, cheering.
Not to be outdone, a second torrential downpour of panties soon followed from women in the audience.
Eyewitness reports disagree about what exactly happened next, but within ten minutes the entire venue was without underwear and Ocean was nowhere to be found.
“I’ve drowned in tears, chardonnay, and of course the pussy…but there’s something about 17,000 tighty whiteys that really restricts breathing.”
The horror extended to sexual imagery embroidered on the undergarments. “I’d love you to nestle up in my Pyramids” read one note; “I’d like to be the motion in your Ocean,” read another. A final declaration, most frightening: “Every night I lather myself with Frank Lotion.”
In the wake of Ocean’s announcement regarding his sexuality, internet sensation Lil B has publicly regretted his botched coming-out publicity stunt, stating ” I didn’t actually mean I was happy .”
Lil B expects huge sales from his next album, I’m Gay (Yes Homo) .