By Suri Booze
MANHATTAN – A man who hired actor Morgan Freeman to narrate his every move has reportedly regretted his decision just four hours in.
David Ryan, 28, thought having Freeman around would be “awesome – like my life was a movie,” he said. “What could be more wonderful than having my own Truman Show!”
“As it turned out, I’d rather shit in peace. Without Morgan Freeman updating me on my body’s every move.”
Ryan hired the Dark Knight Rises actor to relate his day-to-day life after seeing his ad on Craigslist.
“Mr. Freeman has been less than pleased with the recent scripts sent to him,” stated Freeman’s agent Jeff Hunter. “He is currently seeking another means of employment. One where his only true talent – saying things of dubious importance with unparalleled gravitas – can shine.”
An excerpt from August 27th includes the following: “Ryan looks around the room and, satisfied with finding no other person around, lets out a profoundly wet fart.”
True talent or not, the gig didn’t last long.
After grocery shopping, paying bills and showering, things were going strong between Freeman and Ryan. But the situation came to a head during a particularly intimate moment with Ryan’s girlfriend.
“It was fun while it lasted, but there are some acts he just wasn’t meant to narrate,” said Ryan. “It was a little creepy hearing Mr. Freeman talk about ‘thrusting my erect love into Laura’s pudenda,’ in that admittedly gorgeous baritone of his. I think I’ll see what James Earl Jones is up to.”
Despite being fired, Freeman is not without work. He was immediately hired to narrate the Battleship DVD menu, Mitt Romney Googling “Mitt Romney,” and J. Cole’s new mixtape.