BROOKLYN – In a stunning affirmation of federal supremacy, the Supreme Court has ruled 8-1 that the Ten Crack Commandments must be removed from a Brooklyn courthouse.
The Commandments were erected in 1997 at the insistence of residents who wanted to preserve the memory of the Notorious B.I.G’s famed contributions to jurisprudence.
The inscription was long viewed as a hyper conservative challenge to Tupac Shakur’s classic celebration of the Amendment process, “Changes.”
Justice John Roberts, writing for the majority, summarized his arguments: “While the validity and truth of the crack commandments are not in question, we believe that an implicit challenge to the Bill of Rights justifies removal, especially in the case of the third commandment: ‘ne’er trust nobody.’”
“Furthermore, the use of the Ten Crack Commandments sends an improperly partisan message,” noted Roberts. “The 1st Commandment? ‘Never let no one know/ How much dough you hold cause you know/ The cheddar breed jealousy ‘specially/ If that man fucked up, get yo’ ass stuck up.’ I can’t think of a clearer expression of the Republican position.”
Justice Antonin Scalia, the lone dissenter, wrote: “James Madison was the illest most fucked up founding father and he woulda loved this shit. East Coast, mothafucka. Pro-life fo’ life.”
As a result of the decision, the courthouse will soon be adorned with a bipartisan message: the complete lyrics to the Beastie Boys’ “Fight For Your Right To Party.”