Published on September 21st, 2012 | by Jon Tanners0
Sales of California Raisins Skyrocket after Queen Elizabeth Nude Photos Surface
By Suri Booze
LONDON – The Supreme Governor of the Church of England is the latest Royal to get wrapped up in a nude photo scandal which has subsequently revived the dried fruit industry.
Queen Elizabeth II was spotted, topless, taking her puppies for an early morning stroll through her rose bushes. Her corgis were also in attendance.
The photos were snapped and leaked to the press by royal stable boy Nigel Ellington.
“I almost didn’t recognize Her Royal Highness merely by her knickers,” said Ellington. “At first I thought I saw a dessicated ghost, then Siamese twin elephants.”
The Sun, a British tabloid, published the photos of the Queen’s wrinkly dark tits under the headline: “Wrath of Grapes.”
In the three days following the release of the photos, The Association of California Raisiners announced a sales increase of over 465% – an unprecedented jump in profits.
According to extensive market research, shoppers exposed to the images subconsciously desired the taught, wrinkly texture of raisins.
“This makes perfect sense,” noted famed fetish psychologist Evelyn Thurmond. “Citizens of all countries desire the raw global dominance that the Royal Family enjoys, literally embodied in the Queen’s crinkled, two-centuries-past-ripe breasts ”
“I don’t know the last time I craved raisins,” said a male shopper who wished to remain anonymous. “But after I saw those photos, I had a sudden, unexplainable, almost sexual desire for their power.”
The Royal Family has struck a deal with Playboy to run a special starring Queen Elizabeth II and featuring Prince Harry’s Vegas scandal, Kate Middleton’s topless sunbathing snafu, and Prince Phillip’s upcoming second kilt incident.