WASHINGTON DC – President Obama has awarded 216 Purple Hearts today to a recently deployed and traumatized US Army battalion upon their return home from Afghanistan. The soldiers arrived at the White House, escorted by Army Intensive Psychiatric Services (AIPS), because of the unique nature of their injuries.
The men rightly earned this high honor after their quick thinking and strength during a firefight that left four men wounded. In a failing overnight skirmish outside of Kabul, they made the near-suicidal decision to start playing Nickelback from their Stryker vehicle in hopes that it would distract and disable the enemy.
“You do what you have to. It’s war. I thought we would lose most of our men around the time ‘Photograph’ came on but when I looked behind me, and all my men were standing tall,” said Sergeant William Harry.
“The enemy began to fall. There was a lot of screaming. I don’t think they could believe what they were hearing.”
Chad Kroeger stopped by the west wing to shake the hands of every man. “I have literally no idea how you managed this. They only let us record our songs in 3 second increments to save us from having to listen to ourselves. You are the bravest men I’ll ever meet.”
President Obama gave a speech, much of it while fighting back tears. He spoke of a “long road ahead” for the troops, warning them of a potential new type of PTSD. “It would be impossible to have to listen to something that paralyzingly terrible and expect it not to haunt you later.”
The event was not televised to shield the public from such ugly tragedies of war.