By Suri Booze
BOZEMAN – The original womanizer is running out of options after dating every living woman on Earth and now exhausting the possibility of dating himself.
“John has broken up with himself,” his manager said in a statement. “We ask that you please respect his privacy at this difficult time.”
The whirlwind relationship began shortly after Mayer’s split with singer Katy Perry, but not before flings with Dina Lohan, Daryl Hannah and a potato he mistook for Suri Cruise.
Friends said that the relationship was “getting pretty serious” and that Mayer would often take whole days off from recording to spend “us time” with himself, only to return exhausted and hypertrophied in the right forearm.
Things ended while Mayer was on vacation with himself in Jamaica. First, he couldn’t agree on where to have dinner. The situation exploded when John caught himself fucking a maid.
What went wrong? “John is a picky guy,” stated ex-girlfriend Taylor Swift. “I’m not surprised he couldn’t agree with himself. He should put all of this emotion into songwriting.”
“I worry there’s nobody left for him to settle down with,” said his mother. “Even that Jessica Simpson is married now.”