LOS ANGELES — While attending mass this Sunday, Kanye West abruptly jumped on the altar and, despite assurances that he would let the priest finish, interrupted the sermon to announce his own crucifixion and subsequent resurrection.
The rapper has long suspected that he is the son of God, but experienced revelation while on vacation with business associate Kim Kardashian and Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis in Iceland.
Said Francis, “He walked on some water while it was frozen.”
According to West, “Jesus never went Triple plat, so yeah, shit, I can resurrect myself in two days.”
TRI has learned that Louis Vuitton will be providing a 1043 carat diamond studded cross upon which Kanye will be crucified. A two seat Lambo will serve as the tomb.
Matisyahu will be performing the crucifixion itself.
West intends to crucify himself on Good Friday, which he has renamed G.O.O.D. Friday. He has assured fans that Cyhi the Prince will not be present.
In Other News
“I’m Not That Egotistical,” Claims Kanye During Erection Of 100 Ft. Statue Of Self
Pitchfork Reviews Kanye West’s Sextape: “My Beautiful Dark Twisted 10-Inch Penis”
Cruel Summer for Kanye, Proves Crueler for Rest of Population
Kanye Tired of Old White People Asking if He’s Michael Jordan
Fed Chairman Bernanke Encourages Americans to Follow Kanye West’s Lead, Buy 80 Chains and Go Ig’nant
Not to Be Outdone By Kanye, Diddy Releases Sex Tape With Deceased Biggie Smalls
Kanye West Photoshops Self into Kardashian Christmas Card, Resends It
