TOLEDO – Having downplayed his fascination with controversial author Ayn Rand for months, Republican Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan stunned supporters yesterday with the revelation that he listens to politically charged rapper Immortal Technique.
Ryan, who’d been scrutinized by the Christian right and encouraged by the GOP to distance himself from his past allegiance towards the atheist, anti-charity, pro-choice Rand, credited the “Bin Laden” rapper as “the predominant reason became involved in politics.”
“I can’t say enough about the influence Revolutionary Vol.2 and The 3rd World have had on me,” said a shirtless, cracked-out Ryan from the Toledo Marriott he and a menagerie of male and female hookers had turned into homebase. “On my political ideologies, on my respect for mestizos, and on my sex life with Janna and these androgynous whores.”
“Fuck Paul Ryan,” Immortal Technique said while voluntarily passing out soup outdoors to America’s unemployed. “Fuck Ayn Rand, fuck Mitt Romney, fuck Barack Obama, fuck Sponge Bob Square Pants.”
“Wait a minute…nevermind,” said Ryan after an exchange with GOP campaign strategist Stuart Stevens, suddenly downplaying his admission of affection for the altruistic “Freedom of Speech” rapper. “The Christians are right. He’s a socialist.”
Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney remained unconcerned that speculation surrounding Ryan’s taste in art would have any significant impact on the election. “It’s not my job,” began Romney inoffensively, “to worry about the 47% of poor, lazy Americans who listen to that violent Muslim rapist living here illegally or read anything by that ugly Jewish child-aborting cunt of an Atheist.”