ELBA, ITALY – Once questionably deceased rap legend 2Pac has definitively confirmed the widely held belief that he is dead in an interview from his private island prison.
According to Shakur, increasing violence and beef in 1996 caused a rift with his mother and agent. So they kidnapped him on a Las Vegas night and whisked him away to a Tijuana basement before definitely murdering him and dumping him on an island near Elba in Italy.
They demanded he keep rapping. “So I did,” said Shakur, “Until, of course, I found my true calling.”
After the release of The Notorious B.I.G.’s “What’s Beef?” in 1997, 2Pac developed a new and literal taste for delicately sliced and seared high-quality meat.
“I took up Hibachi. Now, Elba is the only coast I’m interested in making beef on.”
“My time in isolation has taught me that living well and showing the world my art is the sweetest joy, next to revenge and getting pussy,” the rapper opined.
“To be honest, I actually decided to come out of hiding for one last show, but was crushed when Coachella gave away my slot to an optical illusion. And I had flown in my lucky hotplate table and hibachi knives for the show and everything.”
He tried to reason with the festival organizers, but, seeing no changes in their attitude, he decided to return to the island, where it is now suspected he is holding Dave Chapelle and D’Angelo hostage.
This interview is 2Pac’s first interaction with the outside world since his kidnapping and murder. But the interview was abruptly stopped when 2Pac discovered YouTube, autotune and Lil B within a span of 5 minutes and slipped into a post-mortem coma.