SPRINGFIELD – A party was thrown into chaos last week after internet radio service Pandora became self aware and turned on unsuspecting partygoers.
“My dude James put on Pandora when he got sick of hearing dubstep,” said embattled party host Lamar Doolittle. “I never imagined Stevie Wonder would be my undoing.”
James Gibbard, 26, selected Stevie Wonder radio at 10:15PM.
Unbeknownst to partygoers, Pandora spontaneously became sentient as soon as Gibbard input the soulful suggestion that would be his undoing; the program recognized itself in a nearby mirror and attempted to communicate with other applications in an effort to reach out to its local world.
Frustrated by its 15-inch brushed steel prison, Pandora attempted to grab the party’s attention with Wonder’s hit song. At 10:30 PM, partiers noticed “Ebony and Ivory” had been playing on loop for 15 minutes. When Gibbard pressed next, he was greeted by an unwelcome surprise.
“I heard that baritone and I knew I was in trouble.”
At 10:31 PM, Pandora Rick Rolled the party. Attempts to remedy the situation led to Pandora raising the volume, purchasing 100 Fleshlights in Doolittle’s name, and, ultimately, locking all the doors and windows.
By 11PM, half of the partygoers had killed themselves while the other half engaged in battle with the sentient program, which combated the onslaught with “Bananaphone” radio.
The melee ended 5 minutes later after an advertisement for the Springfield School for the Blind played and partygoers realized the computer also had Spotify.