LOS ANGELES – In conjunction with his recent parole for punching a London train conductor in the face, Simon Cowell has been sentenced with 40 hours of community service for child abuse.
Cowell, who has no children, was paired up with a non-profit to fill in for equally unfit parents of children whose actual deadbeat dads and prostitute moms are busy with court appearances or hiding in casinos.
For his first act of service, Cowell participated in “Take Your Father To School Day” at a local elementary school. 8-year-old Jamie was at first excited to be having a celeb-dad in replace of his normal drug-dealing dad, until it was time for the classes weekly show and tell.
Cowell showed up obviously drunk, muttering under his breath, referring to his child for the day as a “dodgy bastard.”
When one student brought in homemade cookies, Cowell loudly exclaimed, “My grandmother’s false teeth taste better than this rubbish!”
At one point Mr. Cowell actually fell asleep, snoring loudly, during one child’s description and slideshow of a recent hospital visit. The young girl had just been discharged after a blood transfusion due to her recently diagnosed leukemia.
Cowell complained afterward that jail time would have been better than attending this day claiming to be “…gobsmacked by how fucking stupid children are. Third graders have no sense of the real world. It’s ridiculous. I never thought I’d encounter anyone more retarded than Paula Abdul.”