DEERFIELD, MA – Tragedy struck the Kennedy family yet again after singer Taylor Swift murdered her boyfriend Conor Kennedy with gunshots to the face from multiple angles simultaneously.
Conor Kennedy, 18, was riding his razor scooter down a Deerfield, MA sidewalk near the local book depository building when his his face was shredded to pieces from multiple bullet exit wounds.
A team of armed officers found Swift in her Nashville penthouse Googling her ex-boyfriends shortly after the shooting and were forced to use stun guns to sedate Swift.
“The big mystery is how Ms. Swift could have fired from two angles at once, and also how she could have been in two places at once,” reported forensic consultants Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope of the Insane Clown Posse. “Fucking physics, how does it work?”
Officers remained adamant that Ms. Swift was the only suspect: “Who else could it be, Lyndon B. Johnson? The mob? Carly Rae Jepsen?”
According to Kyla, The Rap Insider’s pop culture consultant and resident 11-year-old, the suspect’s relationship with the victim had been tense. “Conor was not too keen on Taylor writing songs about her ex-boyfriend,” said Kyla. “Especially ‘We Are Never Getting Back Together.’”
At time of writing, Swift had remained sedated long after she’d been expected to wake up and had been placed in the care of a Russian-Canadian doctor expected to kill her before she says too much about the RFK Jr./Anna Kournikova affair or “The Carly Rae Jepsen Project”.
At time of press, Kennedy family members Mary, Patrick Jr., Margaret, Jean Anne, Caroline, Conor’s father Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Patrick III, newlyweds Kyle and Liam, “Teddy” III, and “Willie” Kennedy precariously remain alive.