ST. ELSEWHERE – Rotund singer Cee Lo Green remains stuck in a chimney days after a botched publicity stunt intended to promote his upcoming Christmas album Cee Lo’s Magic Moment .
According to plan, the “Merry Christmas, Baby” singer was to slide downward with just enough friction between the chimney’s inner walls and his WD-40-greased Santa Claus suit to soften his landing in the fireplace days ago.
“Clearly, WD-40 was not the appropriate lubricant in this case,” said Christina Aguilera, the singer and noted lubrication expert featured on the track “Baby It’s Cold Outside.”
Cee Lo has repeatedly declined assistance, insisting cameras continue rolling. Cee Lo plans to broadcast his new Las Vegas spectacle Loberace live from the chimney.
The St. Elsewhere Fire Department arrived this morning to remind Cee Lo not to fart so as long as the fire remains burning beneath him.
Efforts to rescue the singer intensified when neighbors realized the singer’s “Fuck You” would now be entirely inescapable. Local officials are considering sealing Cee Lo in the chimney, demolishing the house, or calling in Aguilera to eat him out.
“We prefer the final option,” noted St. Elsewhere mayor Brian Burton. “It’s eco-friendly and it might send Christina into cardiac arrest. Two birds one coal.”
Rescue workers were, however, unable to save the stuck singer’s lap cat Purrfect, with whom Green was unwilling to part. “Does that make me crazy?” asked Cee Lo, to the delight of no one.
When asked how badly she wished to be rescued, Purrfect replied, gravely, “meoww.”