BROOKLYN – Shawn “Jay-Z” Carter has cancelled the Brooklyn Nets’ upcoming season in order to perform a 200 night residency at the newly opened Barclay’s Center.
After spending two weeks spraying down the team with industrial soap and a riot hose to rid them of The New Jersey Stench, Carter initiated a cost-benefit analysis that confirmed what he already knew: “No one gives a motherfuck about the Nets.”
“According to our studies,” noted Carter, “people like rap more than they like basketball, like me more than they like Kris Humphries, and have no idea what a fucking ‘Net’ is supposed to be or why it would be in Brooklyn.”
“This was a no brainer.”
Though the Nets have experienced a recent surge in popularity, Carter notes that is likely due to white Brooklynites finally having a fitted cap that tacitly announces, “ yes I love Brooklyn and, yes, I’m actually from Oklahoma .”
When reached for comment, recently acquired star player Joe Johnson seemed despondent but realistic: “It’s cool, nobody knew who I was anyway.”
In spite of the cancellations, Carter retained one basketball related event.
“On New Year’s Day, Kanye’s gonna play Kris Humphries, Space Jam-style. Winner take Kim.”