By E. Mike Pace
THE BRONX – U2 frontman Bono’s latest philanthropic venture, “USA for Afrika” has raised approximately $19.86 for hip-hop pioneer Afrika Bambaataa, who is having difficulty making the lease payments on his new 2012 Audi R8 Spyder.
Bono pleaded via Skype from his gilded palace outside of Dublin, Ireland, to a group of 30 supporters and/or passerby at a hastily assembled rally in Sheep Meadow in New York’s Central Park.
“Every man has a journey. And every man needs to be transported. It’s time to stop thinking inward, and begin projecting outward. Afrika needs your help.”
Bambaataa, who helped create the template for contemporary breakbeat DJ’ing, was also unavailable to attend the rally, citing a conflict with a previously scheduled wine tasting in California’s Napa Valley. The DJ had hoped to take his $127,700 coupe with him on the trip, but deemed it “too impractical,” and rented a gold Hummer H3 instead.
“Look, hip-hop is built on status. Do you know what would happen if someone saw ‘the Father of the Electro-Funk sound’ driving around in a Volkswagen Touareg? Shit.”
Bono is planning on meeting with representatives from the Vatican as well as the Ronald McDonald House to raise awareness for the plight of Afrika.
He is also attempting to acquire anti-malarial bed nets for Afrika, but is having difficulty finding them in California King size.
“He is a great man, and a great man must be have a great car,” Bono sermonized, “as another great man – Martin Luther King Jr. – once said, ‘A man can’t ride your back unless it’s bent.”