MIAMI – Local hitman Carl Flanigan is out of a job after a failed murder plot against rapper Rick Ross this past weekend. Flanigan was hired to take out the 442 pound hip-hop superstar in his Rolls-Royce, but inexplicably failed.
“I honestly don’t know what happened out there. You’d think he’d be an easy target, but he just completely fills up your peripherals, it was really disorienting.”
Flanigan found himself so disoriented that he accidentally shot himself and purchased a copy of Wale’s most recent album.
The Gangster Disciples, a Chicago street gang, allegedly hired Flanigan after reading several positive reviews on Yelp and World Star Hip-Hop. The gang has already terrorized and threatened Ross’s life over the past 6 months via nasty YouTube comments. Ross noted in a recent interview that particularly vicious use of emoticons made him feel, “pain in my breast area.”
“What a joke,” sighed Gangster Disciples leader Larry Hoover. “That’s the last time I hire off Craigslist.”
Ross was unable to be reached for comment, though it is believed he is currently in a Miami hospital where one doctor marveled: “I have no idea how a man could eat all those bullets and live.”