THE STREETS OF BROOKLYN – As R n’ B heartthrobs Chris Brown and Frank Ocean exchange fisticuffs and rap impresario Rick Ross dodges bullets , one ascendant Seattle rapper wonders: “Why isn’t anybody shooting at me?”
TRI met a dejected Macklemore in the heart of Brooklyn’s East New York, notorious for its high incidence of violent crime, particularly towards white people who look like Macklemore and might be gay.
The rapper–decked out in two bulletproof vests, which, he noted, were purchased second hand–sipped Zima after Zima as he wept about the harsh realities of his rise to fame.
“Mac Miller gets death threats daily! I can’t even get anyone to say mean things about me. I got my hair cut like this specifically so that people would try to beat my ass. Nothing, not even a mean tweet,” shouted the rapper.
“If I can’t get shot here, what hope do I have of martyrdom? What hope does anyone have…of anything?”
When asked why he had no interest in shooting Macklemore, local gangbanger Chris Stuart replied: “You wouldn’t ask Michelangelo to paint a picket fence, would you? This dude’s an insult to my craft.”
He also noted: “Now gimme that fucking iPhone and all your cash!”
The TRI reporter in question of course obliged, and hopes Mr. Stuart is enjoying his new iPhone 5 very much.