Published on March 13th, 2013 | by Jon Tanners0
Future Unable to Pat Head, Rub Belly at the Same Damn Time
ATLANTA–Future has recently discovered his inability to pat his head and rub his belly at the same damn time, leaving doctors and kindergarten teachers both perplexed and amused at the same damn time.
The Atlanta rapper realized he could not pat his head and rub his belly at the same damn time while eating popcorn and watching “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader” at the same damn time.
“I just don’t get it,” said video vixen Dijonay Jones. “In the ‘Turn on the Lights’ video, Future ate grapes seductively, jumped around in front of the Atlanta skyline, and turned on the lights. All at the same damn time.”
“Yeah, and in ‘Bitches Love Me’—made by Mike Will—he rapped with Drizzy and Wayne at the same damn time,” added Mike Will.
Despite this one handicap, Future’s lawyer would like to assure Future’s fans that all other previous claims hold true, and Future’s abilities to fuck two bad bitches at the same damn time, wear Gucci and Bally at the same damn time, and cook dope and talk on the phone at the same damn time have not been compromised.