Published on June 17th, 2013 | by TRI Staff0
New ‘Beats By Keef’ Headphones Comes With Built-In Assault Rifle
CHICAGO – Following the announcement of Beats by Dre’s latest line of headphones, Beats by Keef (inspired by rapper Chief Keef), the company has released the specifications for a new product, which is sure to blow consumers away.
According to Beats spokesman Roger Wilkenson, the new Beats by Keef headphones come equipped with a built-in, fully-automatic assault rifle, 30 rounds of hollow-point ammunition, and even laser targeting, so you can “accurately punch a hole through the face of the next person who tries to have a conversation with you, even though you clearly have a pair of goddamn headphones on.”
“With Beats by Keef, brutally annihilating anybody who annoys you while you’re trying to listen to some music on the train for JUST FIVE FUCKING MINUTES with a volley of destructive hellfire has never been so easy!” said Wilkenson.
“Simply use the laser sight to establish a point of reference on that inconsiderate dickhead’s stupid face, press the fire button on the side of your headphones, and watch the carnage, as thirty rounds of airborne death and destruction turn that worthless piece of shit into a human version of 52 Pickup.”
“We support Beats by Keef, as we think they represent a strong affirmation of our nation’s second amendment rights,” said NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre. “Wait, black people will have these? Oh sweet Jesus NO!”
Spokesman Wilkenson then turned to a sitting Keef, who was listening to music through his headphones while staring awkwardly at the floor, and asked if he would like to speak.
Spokesman WIlkenson was pronounced dead on arrival moments later at Chicago’s Mercy Hospital.