The Hollywood Insider blockbuster

Published on August 8th, 2013 | by Trish


The Summer Blockbuster Film Dead at 38: 1975-2013



HOLLYWOOD – Providing more evidence that some kind of deadly combination of mercury and lead makeup have finally taken their toll on the once-respected Johnny Depp, The Lone Ranger was released to terrible reviews and even more disappointing box-office results, making it America’s least profitable exploitation of Natives.

After Earth fueled further fire to the heartbreaking fact that Will Smith is a douche, The Hangover III happened as dictated by all signed legal documents, and Ryan Reynolds played a talking snail in Turbo and Will Smith in R.I.P.D.

The Rap Insider confidently announces that the summer blockbuster film, born screaming into this world in 1975 in some flick about a beach and a shark, died a slow shambling and expensive death in 2013. Time of death was determined to be when Independence Day director Roland Emmerich sensed a less-than-usually-engorged erection during his third cinematic destruction of the White House in White House Down.

“I don’t understand, usually it’s much harder,” he whimpered with his hands down his pants in a darkened theater.

Moments before publishing, TRI scooped reports by reading other news outlets that Sony is planning a 300 million dollar adaptation of Dr. Seuss’s One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish, Warner Brothers is to develop iPhone as a feature length film starring Cate Blanchett in the titular role as the white iPhone, with a script by Dan Fogelman.

Charlizie Theron is in talks to play Siri.

Finally, a multi-studio effort is underway to produce Pile of Money, which will display 800 millions dollars worth of budget in marketing, social media awareness, 3D IMAX screenings, cross-promotional efforts with the National Guard, script rewrites and contract buy-outs. No plot, director or star is yet attached. Deadline reports it is already 300 million dollars in debt.

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