The Rap Insider guy in dorm

Published on August 28th, 2013 | by Trish


Best “Control” Response Mumbled Alone In Dorm Room

guy in dorm


SOMERVILLE – If bars are spat in a dorm, when one’s roommate is out, are shots still fired? That’s the question everybody is asking after nineteen-year-old Tufts University sophomore Ron Stevens laid down the best response to Kendrick Lamar’s verse on Big Sean‘s “Control.”

“I mean, like, I can totally rap and stuff, but just not when anybody else is around and can hear me,” Stevens nervously admitted to reporters during a press conference. “I totally freeze during cyphers.”

Stevens’ verse, which nobody but him has heard, not only eclipses Lamar’s original, but the pantheon of most rap music ever produced, recorded, or thought of while drifting to sleep.

“I just had the instrumental playing while I was folding my laundry, and I laid down the sickest rhymes. I kept it going forever man. It was probably the greatest thing I have ever done or will do,” said Stevens while demonstrating his fitted sheet folding ability.

“It’s shocking,” said Stevens’ roommate Jon Miller. “I mean, guy doesn’t throw down when we are smoking blunts in an Allston basement. Though he can kinda beatbox.”

During the conference a reporter played the instrumental off a Samsung Galaxy S4, and asked Stevens to give us “just a few bars.” Stevens sheepishly scratched the back of his head while saying, “I don’t know man.”

Then, in a moment of silent unknowable greatness, Stevens started bobbing his to the beat, closed his eyes, and laid down some of the greatest quietly mumbled and half-spoken lyrics since the dawn of song. While reporters could see his lips move no words were clearly heard. Possible “Deep Throat” and “Hitchcock” references were made.

Rick Rubin has been recruited to produce Stevens’ first mixtape, going for his classical minimalist style, “with a strong John Cage influence.”

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