The Indie Insider electric zoo

Published on September 4th, 2013 | by Trish


Electric Zoo Canceled After 500 Syrians Die Saturday

electric zoo

By Weezy F. Scott Fitzgerald

NEW YORK – Organizers of Electric Zoo again sent their deepest condolences yesterday to the family members of the hundreds of Syrian civilians who lost their lives in Syria over the course of last weekend’s shortened popular music festival in New York City.

“Due to last month’s use of weapons of mass destruction on women and children, over 100,000 deaths in two years, and President Assad’s pathetic inability to grow anything but a thin Hitler moustache, we had no choice,” explained festival founder Mike Bindra.

“We apologize to our sponsors, to everyone who had tickets for Sunday, and to our performers, especially Steve Aoki, who becomes cold and combative without headphones, for any inconvenience the tragedies of the Syrian Civil War have brought upon their families.”

According to Mayor Bloomberg, the city had been preparing for the possibility of canceling the event long before chemical weapons allegedly containing sarin nerve gas, a poison 500 times more powerful than the hydrogen cyanide used in the Holocaust, killed over a thousand civilians in Ghouta, Syria on August 21 alone.

“Last year I promised that if one more pretty little white girl dies in my city, on my watch, on the same day 500 more innocent Syrians die and thousands more become wounded or separated from their families, I would put bicycles all over the city, because tourists riding bicycles in New York City is just so much safer,” said Bloomberg. “So more bicycles it is.”

According to White House sources, President Obama remains optimistic that the tragic death of a pretty little white girl could be enough to sway public opinion in favor of an air strike by 2017.

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