The Rap Insider

“Dr. Dre’s Medical Mysteries”   is a (sorta) weekly TRI feature which provides readers with reliable, accurate opinions of esteemed medical expert Dr. Dre.  The goal is to allow our readers to make responsible decisions concerning their health and well-being. Information provided by Dr. Dre’s Medical Mysteries is scientifically accurate medical advice and that we feel should replace the opinions of many so-called health care professionals. Trust him, he’s a doctor.

By  MC Infarction

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Dr. Dre,

I met a Jew goddess. Ass like..Put an ass on that Jew thats a Jew-ess, namean?
I like her. So we’re fucking going out on dates an shit. Romantic. Gay. And now we’re talking about getting married. Your homeboy Ramon settlin’ down. Thing is, she want me to convert and to do that, her Rabbi say I have to get my foreskin cut. Knife straight to my dong. The fuck?

– Your homeboy Ramon

Ramon,

Adult circumcision is nothing to be afraid of. And let’s be real, you’ve been emasculated enough by your erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation.

Sorry to bring that up publically like this.

But like adult emasculation, adult circumcision is a practice that has been performed for ages. Abraham was reportedly in his 90s when he circumcised himself and teenage boys in South Africa get circumcised when they achieve manhood. You’re 37 and you’re still not an adult.

I would, however, warn you against marrying this girl and converting. Jewish faith and Jewish in-laws are strongly linked to anxiety disorders.

Sincerely,
Dr. Dre, MD, Ph.D., MPH

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Dr. Dre,

I got Bronchitis. Ain’t nobody got time fo’ that!

– Sweet Brown

Sweet,

Thanks for writing in. Not to be too blunt, but I am going to have to disagree with you.

You must make time for your bronchitis. You must.

If left untreated, Bronchitis can develop into a chronic problem, and that’s something I don’t want for you. Please see a medical professional immediately, especially if you are exposed to pollutants and/or smoke.

Sincerely,
Dr. Dre, MD, Ph.D., MPH

By  MC Infarction

Dear Dr. Dre,

It’s your homeboy Ramon. Listen, where the FUCK is the clitoris? Last night I was like, aight, I’mma find this mothafucka once and for all. A hour later, I’m all lookin’ behind her left ear and it is nowhere to be found. The fuck?

– Your homeboy Ramon

Ramon,

Unfortunately, the answer to your question has been swallowed by the sands of time. Legend has it that Aristophanes, the ancient Greek poet, once found the rumored clitoris, but his account was lost when the Great Library at Alexandria was ransacked by Suge Knight in 48 B.C.

More recent research suggests that the clitoris, if it exists at all, may be hidden within the vagina, though in my medical opinion, such conclusions constitute unfounded speculation.

My best advice, Ramon, is the “machine gun” approach. Just run your hands all along her body, touching every part. Chances are she’ll like that. I’ve tried it.

Why? Because at some point, you’ve probably hit the fabled clitoris. You won’t know where it is and she sure as hell won’t know where it is. But, my dear boy, you’ve done it.

Sincerely,
Dr. Dre, MD, Ph.D., MPH
_____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Dr. Dre,

My boyfriend, Ramon, told me recently that he wants to be breastfed. That it’s his fetish. That it’s all he fantasizes about [all the time] . Now I’m thinking that’s some INSANE mothafucking Freud shit.
But he’s my boo and I wanna make him happy, but I ain’t got no milk. What do we do?

– Sapphire Jones

Dear Sapphire,

First of all, let me say that I was a HUGE fan of “Push.”

Second, I think you and your boyfriend’s decision to expand your sexual horizons is healthy; I guarantee you’ll have more precious moments..

The solution is simple! You need to trick your body into thinking you have a baby. That means you need to take hormone supplements, fuck up your sleep cycle, and put Ramon in a crib with a diaper.

When he poops himself, he has to cry until you change him. And he has to have a pacifier. Oh, and when he eats you have to do that “open up for the aeroplane!” thing. Yeah. That’s good. Real good.

And then when he’s bad, you have to spank him. Because he was a bad boy. Yeah. Real bad.

But when he’s a good little boy, you can cuddle him up and let him have your warm, sweet, milk. Dribbling down — Ahem. I think you get the picture.

Sincerely,
Dr. Dre, MD, Ph.D., MPH

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Questions for the Doctor? E-mail    DrDre@therapinsider.com ! 

By  MC Infarction

Dear Dr. Dre,

It’s your homeboy Ramon. Listen, I caught my son masturbating to Elmer Fudd. He’s seven. The fuck?

– Your homeboy Ramon

Ramon,

It is clear to me that this is really a call for help and that your son lacks a positive male role model in his life.

It is not uncommon for young men in trouble to turn to Elmer; he represents the best in all men striving to realize the American Dream. Like Captain Ahab before him, he chases his dreams with an almost mythic obsession. But more importantly, he will never be seen without his shotgun, his phallus, which is massive.

He is innovative, persevering, endearing and relatable. He is everything one should want his son to be, like a young Chris Brown, but bald and with a speech impediment.

That your son is so excited by Elmer’s masculinity and resolve should be reassuring to you and you should consider joining him the next time you see it occurring.

Sincerely,
Dr. Dre, MD, Ph.D., MPH
_____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Dr. Dre,

Yo, Dre. My girl got a mean yeast infection. She still down to fuck, but I ain’t gonna stick my dick in no green cottage-cheese, bread-rising goo shit. Namean? Got any tips?

– Father John Buchanan

Father,

You got a turkey baster? Because I’ve got the one-stop tip to clear that shit right up.

Believe it or not, a very typical therapy for yeast infection is yogurt! The probiotic effects of yogurt can help your body restore natural bacterial balance and fight off the yeast infection. Combine it with a course of Monistat (which you can pick up at any pharmacy) and you stand a good chance of beating it!

So grab that baster, fill it up with your favorite yogurt (I pick Fage because I’m RICH, mothafucka) and give it a good squeeze. In about a week or two, that pussy will be good as new.

If not, you know the motto: bitches ain’t shit.

Sincerely,
Dr. Dre, MD, Ph.D., MPH

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Questions for the Doctor? E-mail    DrDre@therapinsider.com  !

“Dr. Dre’s Medical Mysteries”  is a weekly TRI feature which provides readers with reliable, accurate opinions of esteemed medical expert Dr. Dre.  The goal is to allow our readers to make responsible decisions concerning their health and well-being. Information provided by Dr. Dre’s Medical Mysteries is scientifically accurate medical advice and that we feel should replace the opinions of many so-called health care professionals. Trust him, he’s a doctor. 

By  MC Infarction

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Dr. Dre,

It’s your homeboy Ramon. Listen, met up with my man at Papa John’s last week to pick up some herb. Been smokin’ that shit on the daily but I think I’ve broken my brain. Just can’t get high anymore, doc. All I want to do after I smoke is eat some motherfuckin pasta. The fuck?

– Your homeboy Ramon

Ramon,

You are smoking oregano.

Sincerely,
Dr. Dre, MD, Ph.D., MPH

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Dr. Dre,

I saw the psychiatrist you referred me to and he says I have bipolar disorder. I was too busy throwing shit across his office to hear his explanation of what that is. Can you help a sister out?

– Your sister

Hey girl,

It seems to me that this is a bit of a rare diagnosis, since I’ve never heard of it. But, as you might know, much of the medical lexicon comes from Latin. So by deconstructing the word, we can figure it out.

Bi often means two. Like bisexual. You’re familiar with that.

Polar often means cold. Like polar bear, north pole, or stripper pole. You’re familiar with that too.
So it seems to me that your psychiatrist is telling you that you have two colds. A cold within a cold, if you will. The common cold is one of the most complex viruses that medicine has encountered and there is no known cure. Just take some Advil and your bipolar disorder should clear up in no time.

This condition could also refer to your swag, which may currently be too cold. For that, my colleague Kanye West recommends theraflu. I don’t know if that shit works though. So stick with the advil.

Sincerely,
Dr. Dre, MD, Ph.D., MPH

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Questions for the Doctor? E-mail   DrDre@therapinsider.com !

“Dr. Dre’s Medical Mysteries” is a weekly TRI feature which provides readers with reliable, accurate opinions of esteemed medical expert Dr. Dre.  The goal is to allow our readers to make responsible decisions concerning their health and well-being. Information provided by Dr. Dre’s Medical Mysteries is scientifically accurate medical advice and that we feel should replace the opinions of many so-called health care professionals. Trust him, he’s a doctor. 

By  MC Infarction

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Dr. Dre,

Yo I just banged my elbow. I don’t think it’s a big de—WHOHHH HOT HOT OUCH– Holy FUCK why does this hurt so much?? Goddamn that came out of nowhere OUCH OH GOD PINS AND NEEDLES NOW WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME DRE?

– Your girl Mary

Mary,

In medicine, as in all professions, there is a time for humility. I am, frankly, stumped.
I’ve done an extensive search of the medical literature and no person has ever been admitted to a hospital with your history or symptoms. In fact, I can find no known treatment for your condition — which must therefore be extremely rare. I would recommend presenting to an emergency room IMMEDIATELY.
When you get to the hospital, ask to speak to the boss. I would assume that he, of all people, would know what this strange condition may be.
If that fails, you should probably buy a pair of Beats by Dre. Actually, buy those anyway. Can’t hurt.
I hope the best for you and I pray you survive this.
Sincerely,
Dr. Dre, MD, Ph.D., MPH

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Dr. Dre,

It’s your homeboy Ramon. Listen, so you know when you make Jello and you pull it out of the fridge before it’s done setting? So it’s like halfway set with big goobers in all that liquid? That’s my SEMEN right now. Yeah. The fuck?

Sincerely,
Your homeboy Ramon

Ramon,
This is a completely OK thing — though not all sexual partners might find it that way. While your semen may resemble albino chili or yogurt from the crypt, it remains perfectly functional and safe.
Unfortunately, your girl likely isn’t down and is threatening to leave you. That’s okay, because bitches ain’t shit but hoes and tricks.

Allow me a metaphor: peanut butter. Years of industry and medical examination have proven that most kids like smooth peanut butter. But as we age, all are undeniably attracted by the chunky (or, in my case, super-chunky) type. What you need to do is find yourself an older, more sophisticated, Ms. Robinson beezy to handle your curds and whey.

Sincerely,
Dr. Dre, MD, Ph.D., MPH

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Questions for the Doctor? E-mail  DrDre@therapinsider.com !

“Dr. Dre’s Medical Mysteries” is a weekly TRI feature which provides readers with reliable, accurate opinions of esteemed medical expert Dr. Dre.  The goal is to allow our readers to make responsible decisions concerning their health and well-being. Information provided by Dr. Dre’s Medical Mysteries is scientifically accurate medical advice and that we feel should replace the opinions of many so-called health care professionals. Trust him, he’s a doctor. 

By  MC Infarction

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Dr. Dre,

It’s your boy Ramon. Listen, I got bit by a dog last week. Now I’m foaming at the mouth. The fuck?
Sincerely,
Your Homeboy Ramon

Ramon,
Let’s piece through your symptoms to reach a proper diagnosis. The last time I saw foaming at the mouth like that was during my residency at Beth Israel Jewish Hospital in Brooklyn. I was having lunch outside and a squirrel, foaming at the mouth, tried to steal my bagel and lox. I beat it over the head and killed it.
We later found out that the squirrel had rabies.
You probably have rabies.

Sincerely,
Dr. Dre, MD, Ph.D., MPH

P.S. It’s fatal.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Dr. Dre,

It’s your old roommate Dave. Listen, my girl tells me I’ve got to wrap up when I fuck her. I’m embarrassed to ask her what that means. Does she want me to finish faster? I can only do it for 20 seconds at a time as it is. Help a brother out?
Sincerely,
Dave

Dear Dave,

Your girlfriend is suggesting use of birth control, more specifically a condom, for pregnancy prophylaxis. Based on my extensive medical and female experience, I would listen to her. I’ve read the literature on this issue comprehensively and have done some of my own scientific testing.
Many experts would claim that latex is a superior condom material, but my son Durex is living proof otherwise. Your best option here is a Doritos bag.
The key step here is to open the bag and eat all the chips first. Many a homeboy has developed chip abrasions on his penis by skipping this essential step. Using a Doritos bag ensures a 0% chance of breakage and a 100% chance that she’ll lick Dorito dust off your dick afterward.

Sincerely,

Dr. Dre, MD, Ph.D., MPH

P.S. Eminem says “thanks for the support, asshole.”

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Questions for the Doctor? E-mail   DrDre@therapinsider.com !