The Rap Insider

By  Weezy F. Scott Fitzgerald

YONKERS – A bevy of rumors surrounding the nature of disguised duo Daft Punk ’s forthcoming album Random Access Memories were squashed yesterday when former Good Burger star Kel Mitchell was found dead in a robot costume in the home of alleged Daft Punk member Kenan Thompson.

“I’m shocked,” said Thompson, wearing a robot suit of his own. “I totally figured Kel was half the Daft Punk duo, but I guess his death suggests otherwise. Not that I’m suggesting foul play.”

While investigators were quick to rule out rumored cameos from Frank Ocean , Michael Buble, and Kriss Kross on the electronic duo’s first album since 2005’s Human After All , they had yet to determine whether Mitchell took his own life, the whereabouts of the murder weapon provided this was a murder, or if the dance duo will be scoring Michael Bay’s long-rumored remake of For Whom The Bell Tolls .

“One thing is clear,” said detective Guy-Manuel de Homem-Christo. “If Kel is dead, he isn’t in Daft Punk after all, anymore, if he ever was.”

If Kenan and Kel aren’t Daft Punk, then Tommy Pickles and Thomas Bangaltar probably are. But if they aren’t, the Flaming Lips and MGMT are probably producing the tracks. Bon Iver or Kanye or Phil Spector or Judd Apatow isn’t with Beck. And Dzhakhor Tsarnaev and Kel Mitchell and Jodi Arias and Reese Witherspoon and Daft Punk and Kriss Kross.

By  MCTrishtheDish

NORTH KOREA – While playing Words with Friends on his iPhone 5 and watching his new friend Dennis Rodman in the 1997 film Double Team , supreme leader of North Korea Kim Jong-Un decided to model his new robot army after French electronic duo Daft Punk.

The idea came to him when his wife Ri Sol-ju called to see if he had taken his thyroid medication. It so happened to be that her ringtone was the duo’s new song, “Get Lucky.”

Inspired by Rodman’s feats of strength on screen and the funky beats of the song, Jong-un took to his iMac and began drawing a prototype of his army using Paint FX. Highlights of the robots included a metal helmet with a programmable LED display and a red Kimjongilia flower displayed over the “heart.”

The Daft Punk-inspired robots are scheduled to be manufactured in Chongju, also known as the City of Iron, in the same factory where the leader’s male girdles are made.

“See who get rucky now,” said the leader with a chuckle, popping three pieces of bacon-wrapped kimchi into his mouth.

Upon walking in on her husband’s disgusting display of gluttony, Ri Sol-ju turned around and went to her servants’ quarters to get lucky.

By  DHT

C+

Of this reader’s myriad and many involute facets, the ability to consistently maintain and sustain a dependable relationship is not one of them. Though the complexity of their life is thankfully often hard to pin down and analyze in a diligent and considered manner, their love life remains one decisively un-opaque, unclouded and unfettered by perspectives past and future.

This reader is often more concerned about maintaining a sense of presentation and perception — ‘how do others see us?’ — rather than what truly matters, namely support, love, and dependability. When presented with an option, any option, this reader ostensibly reverts to seeming surprise that anybody would pay them attention and therefore deserves theirs.

One could mistake those actions as humility and modesty, but more valid would be to recognize the lack of self-esteem as reflected in the twice repeated, to different friends, and then riffed upon statement “I just can’t believe someone like them/ could want someone like me/ someone like them/ doesn’t deserve any worse.”

Due to understandably low expectations, this reader’s latest “serious” relationship has fared better than previously. So far, nobody has threatened self-harm, only one anti-anxiety medication prescription is shared, and both partners have agreed to postpone cohabitation until both have independent incomes.

Considering those minor factors alone, the dripping soft sounds of a quiet whimper after what couldn’t be considered a fight, but rather an apology session, carry far less vitriol than the festering tempers from this reader’s debut effort, which was inaccessible to nearly every potential familiar.

In a sense, this reader’s love life can’t be considered a failure, though also not a complete success. Strictly observed from a distance there is the semblance of love and care, though the sex could definitely be better.

By  Teflon Don DeLillo

EVANSTON—Local bigot Karen Smith caused a scene at a recent Die Antwoord concert, unable to grasp how the albino rap-rave duo could possibly be African.

“But if they’re from Africa, why are they White?” she asked nearly every fan.

Convinced her friends were trying to trick her and she was really at an Aqua concert, Smith reportedly kept screaming “PLAY BARBIE GIRL!” until security removed her from the premises.

Embarrassed by her antics, her friends forbade her from sitting with them at lunch on Monday. She instead listened to her favorite black artist, Van Morrison.

Her classmates had little to say about the incident.

“It happens all the time,” said Damian. “She doesn’t even go here.”

Smith was recently seen shopping at Sears and wearing pink on a Thursday.

The Disco Biscuits [Marc] : Alright, we’re doing an interview here, it’s called “Questions From Third Graders.”  It’s The Rap Insider and we’re reading these questions and then answering them  and two of the letters have been written specifically to you, so why don’t you just read the questions and then answer them?

The Disco Biscuits [Allen] : Where are these third graders from?

TRI: Denver, I teach in Denver.  Some of them might be a little bit stilted, because they’re all English Language Learners, so their native language is Spanish and I teach in both languages and practice English with them by writing these letters.

Allen: ‘What would you buy if you had one million dollars?’  I would buy my own island…you can’t buy your own island?

Marc: You can’t get that with a million dollars.  You’re lucky to get a big house.

Allen: It’s actually more than a million, look at these zeros.

Marc: One trillion dollars.

Allen: ‘What is a polygon, a triangle or a circle?’ …I play the drums. I do not teach geometry.  Come on, Marc, what is a polygon, a triangle or a circle?

Marc: Well, a triangle would be a polygon, not a circle, because of the sides.

TRI: Yeah, you’re right, a circle is not a polygon because it has curved lines.  A polygon is any closed shape with straight lines.  So that’s like 3rd grade geometry, square, rectangle…

Marc: Stumped by a third grader!

TRI: Are you smarter than a third grader?

Allen: ‘Do you speak Spanish?’ No habla espanol.

Marc: No hablo espanol.

TRI: You’ve got it, Marc.

Allen: ‘What country do I like best?’  Hmm, America.

Marc: Amurica.  You’re from GA, man, I mean of course you like America.

Allen: I like these drawings.

TRI: They’re yours to keep.  Well, they really liked your name.  When I told them that they would be writing questions to The Disco Biscuits, they all stood up and started moving like this [imitates John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever] , which was really funny to see.  I said “no, it’s not what you guys think,” and played them the music and they loved it, they were really excited.  I think half the drawings have disco balls because of that.

Allen: “How old are you?’ I’m 34.  I feel dumb.  A dumb 34-year old.

Marc: What is your favorite math [struggles to read word] activity?  Allen, what is your favorite math activity?

Allen: Subdividing.

Marc: There we go.  Alright, Jesse, ‘Dear The Disco Biscuits, if you found a country, what would you name it?’ We would call it the land of Zexsea.

‘What videogame would you buy?’  I would try to buy all the videogames.  We have Xbox.  I have a third grader, as well, and we play Xbox all the time because it’s the first thing we found that we’re equally good at.  Although you shouldn’t play video games all the time.

‘What is the last thing you ate?’ I just had a buffalo burger, but I also just went around backstage and I ate a bite of everybody’s food.  They all had noodles.

‘Do you have a girlfriend?’  Yes, I have a wife.  My wife is my girlfriend.  Her name is Deb.

Bryan, ‘Dear The Disco Biscuits, what is your favorite…”

TRI: Yeah, I don’t know that one.  No idea.

Marc: ‘What girl do you like the most?’ My daughter.

TRI: Actually, there are options.  He gave options.

Marc: Selena, Shakira, or Lady Gaga.  Bryan, I’m gonna have to go with Shakira.  ‘Hello I’m Bryan and I like the Disco Biscuits.’  Great job, Bryan.

‘Dear tDB, who is the drummer?’  DRUMMER!

‘When have you first played drums?’

Allen: When I was 15.

Marc [reading letter] :  I’m a girl who likes your music.  Send me back a note and I will read your letters.  You should let Alex Fenn join your band.

TRI: That would be me.

Marc [continues reading letter] :  He is the one who is giving you 14 letters to you.  And tell me if you like our letters.  We love your letters! Thank you very much!

TRI: That’s from Nikki.

Marc: Great job, Nikki!

Allen: That’s very considerate.

Marc:  ‘What would you do if aliens attacked you?’  I would fight back.  We would all fight back.

‘Also, how much do you weigh?’ Too much, too much.

‘Oh, and I’ve been to Red Rooks.’  You’ve been to Red Rocks, Daniela?

‘I found out you guys are performing there.’  Correct!

‘And when I went to Red Rocks, I saw the stage where you’re going to sing and maybe I’ll be there Saturday.’  Daniela, that would be wonderful, you should come.

‘Plus, what would you do if you shrinked?’  That wouldn’t be very good, I wouldn’t be able to play the bass anymore.

‘What would you do if the band switched bodies?’  I’ve seen that movie, three or four times, okay? It’s a good movie, you can check it out.  The most recent one is Freaky Friday with Lindsay Lohan and Jamie Lee Curtis.  Then you go back to Tom Hanks and Big and there’s lots of body switching movies.  If we switched bodies, I think I’d have to play some practical jokes on people.

Alright, I think we did it!

TRI: Thank you guys so much, I really appreciate it.

Marc: Thank you so much, man!

TRI:  This was awesome, I’m Alex from The Rap Insider , interviewing The Disco Biscuits.  Thank you guys.

By   Weezy F. Scott Fitzgerald

NEW YORK – Rolling Stone Magazine named Rolling Stone Magazine’s “100 Greatest Rolling Stone Magazine Covers of All Time” list the top Rolling Stone Magazine list of all time this morning, according to Rolling Stone Magazine.

The 2010 list that named the 1996 Rolling Stone Magazine cover featuring Jennifer Aniston naked the greatest Rolling Stone Magazine cover of all time edged out 2003’s “500 Greatest Music Magazines of All Time” and 2005’s “100 Greatest Issues of Rolling Stone Magazine of All Time” for top honors.

Rolling Stone Magazines’ 2002 and 2008 lists “100 Greatest Hunter S. Thompson Quotes About Rolling Stone Magazine of All Time” and “500 Greatest Peter Travers Quotes About Joseph Gordon-Levitt of The Past Five Years of All Time” rounded out the top five of all time.

Just missing the cut, according to longtime Rolling Stone Magazine music critic David Fricke, was 2009’s “500 Greatest Reasons Bruce Springsteen’s Still ‘The Boss’ According to David Fricke of All Time”, which Fricke emphasizes, “makes it officially the 501st greatest Rolling Stone Magazine list ever in the history of time as recorded by Rolling Stone Magazine.”

2013’s “100 Greatest Reasons Politics and Music Are As Interchangeable As Music and Man According To Matt Taibbi of All Time”, 2007’s “500 Greatest Naked Pictures of Women to Appear In Rolling Stone Magazine of All Time”, 2003’s “100 Most Misunderstood Gay Black Female Jewish Classical Violinists of All Time”, and 2010’s “500 Greatest Ideas For Rolling Stone Magazine Lists of All Time” round out the top nine.

By  Weezy F. Scott Fitzgerald

REYKJAVIK – Icelandic art rock band Sigur Ros is planning tov voneiv urpseaktison cicada at some point during their performance at this weekend’s Sound, Light & Pghjasdf Festival in Nova Scotia, Canada, according to an official statement issued on the band’s website.

“Ensigna v galapagos y harmonica,” said frontman Jonsi Birgisson in a melodic, ethereal tone that captures precisely the feel of windchimes, glacial lakes, hummingbrids, sadness, and slow, passionate fucking. “Un koala. Un koala Coachella curator bulimic Freemason.”

However, fans expecting to sing along in time to hits such as “Svefn-g-englar” and ” [Untitled Track 4] ” may be dissappointed to find that the band is also planning to perform their Hopelandic songs in heavy Boston accents.

“Comic sans 2013’s Kveikur, sin la soul but it to speak “Hopelandic”,” explained Birgisson beautifully, with the easy rhythm of a flexible virgin picking her garden’s first ripe grapes in early spring, describing how hearing the made-up language of Hopelandic affected with thick Boston accents in nearby Nova Scotia is just the thing Americans need to cope with the Boston marathon bombings.

” [Untitled sentence 1] ,” said bassist Goggi Holm, who speaks the most fluent English of the band’s three members. “McDonald’s Chipotle Jesus Christ Game of Thrones AAA Jeff Latz BBB Bryan Vu CCC DEF#$%^&&&*?”

[Untitled sentence 2] .

By  MCTrishtheDish

LOS ANGELES- It looks like “Sex and the City” star Sarah Jessica Parker is giving up her six-inch stilettos and designer dresses for a pair of flip flops and a sarong as she joins Band of Horses at Coachella.

“When her manager first called us and asked if we’d let her join, we weren’t sure if we wanted her in the group,” said lead singer Ben Bridwell. “I already sing delicately and high-pitched, so we didn’t need another female voice. Plus, she’s ugly.”

After hitting a bong and discussing the dilemma around a bonfire, the band decided to let the actress join. They figured that they could use a mascot.

“We didn’t have the heart to tell her she was our mascot, so we’re going to give her an unplugged mic and let her think she’s singing. Hopefully the fans won’t shout out their racing bets and blow it.”

Parker’s husband, Matthew Broderick, figured out the band’s plan, but chose not to tell his wife the truth in fear that she’d become depressed and overdose on her tranquilizers.

“I’m so excited to sing in the band! I just hope that my voice doesn’t get hoarse,” said Parker to our TRI correspondent, who was trying desperately to contain his laughter.

At press time, Taco Bell had not yet pulled its Sarah Jessica Parker Tacos.