WASHINGTON, DC – A bold experiment proved that Wale is indeed the blandest rapper alive when a recording studio employee attempted to give the MMG artist some flavor by pouring Sriracha on him.

“It works for eggs, it works on chicken, I even drank it once to see if it made my saliva better. Of course it did,” said engineer Sylvester Bartleby. “It just couldn’t make Wale more palatable. He’s so bland–he’s resistant.”

As Wale finished recording yet another unconvincing verse about his toughness and recent strip club conquests, Bartleby decided to take the drastic action he’d been dreaming up throughout the recording of Wale’s latest nondescript mixtape, Seriously, This Mixtape Is About Nothing — the third in his celebrated Mixtape About Nothing series. [ Ed. note: TRI could not find anyone who would actually admit to liking any of the mixtapes in the series or anything Wale has put out, for that matter ]

As Wale exited the recording booth, Bartleby lured the improbable rap star into the studio’s kitchen, promising “strippers with low self-esteem.” Once there, he shoved an eager Wale into an industrial sized vat of Sriracha.

MMG label-head and resident foodie Rick Ross was unsurprised by the incident.

“Yeah you know I tried to hit the boy with some of that lemon pepper spice when I signed him,” grunted Ross from the bathroom of a Wing Stop, “but that was just a waste of good seasonings.”

Wale could not be reached for comment at time of publication, as he was still dealing with severe welts and minor burns from being bathed in massive quantities of hot pepper sauce.

By  Trillup Seymour Hoffmayne

LOS ANGELES – Will.i.am and Justin Bieber have been working long hours in the studio, creating a new track that Mom will just love.

The pair is no stranger to producing music for Mom, who has been enjoying and singing along with their radio hits for as long as you could feel shame.

“I love all the hits. ‘Lovely Lady Humps,’ ‘As Long as You are in Love with Me,’ ‘Babies, Babies, Babies, Whoah,’” said Mom.

Bieber and Will.i.am are tailoring the song specifically for Mom. The lyrics will be very easy to mess up, any sexual innuendos will be completely misunderstood, and the music video will feature a very easy-to-mimic dance move for her to awkwardly perform with her friends at social functions.

“Ooh those two are my favorites. Justin Beaver was on Ellen DeGeneres and he looked like a little prince. Sam.i.am is very cool and urban but in a way that doesn’t scare me,” said Mom.

The artists had a very specific goal in mind with this new hit.

“We wanted a song that Mom could really connect with. We wanted her to be able to turn up the volume, relax, pour herself a glass of red wine, flip through a Chico’s catalogue, and talk shit about a woman she doesn’t like at work”, said Will.i.am.

By Suri Booze

LOS ANGELES – Disney is celebrating the 15th anniversary of Lindsay Lohan’s The Parent Trap with another remake of the popular film. This time, starring Kimye ’s baby bump and Zooey Deschanel ’s forehead.

“ The Parent Trap has already been remade, so we had to take this version one step further,” said Disney executive Miranda Gigglebert. “Usually we use one actor, but these two look so much alike, we thought we’d go for it.”

Production has been fast and furious, as Kimye’s due date is rumored to be in June.

The baby bump, or “B.B.” as it demands to be called on set, is said to be the bigger drama queen of the two stars and will take in $100 million for the role. “Fivehead”, as Deschanel’s forehead adorkably nicknamed itself, politely asked to be paid in Pez candy.

“My forehead was really nervous, but everyone was really supportive,” said Deschanel. “It’s never done a nude scene before.”

“I’mma let you finish, but I would’ve done both parts if I wasn’t about to pop,” interrupted B.B.

Next, Disney will start production on a remake of Dunston Checks In starring Kris Humphries .

By   Willenium Faulkner

LOS ANGELES – With the Smith family finally allowing their children an HBO subscription, Jaden and Willow Smith sat down and watched the first episode of Game of Thrones last week. Not twenty minutes into the episode, Will Smith’s son and daughter witnessed Jaime and Cersei Lannister engage in graphic incest. Seemingly spurred on by the images before them, Jaden and Willow Smith then tentatively tried sex with one another.

Information of the illicit deed leaked to the public, which quickly recoiled with disgust. Jaden attempted to reckon with the troubling event in his new single: “It Isn’t Gross.”

Here is a sampling of rap song’s second verse:

“Eating popcorn on the couch at home!
Me and Willow just kickin’ it, watchin’ Game of Thrones !
On the screen two blondies EFF!
Brother and sister, but they don’t care, there aint a ref!
So I turn to Willow and I’m all like
‘I wanna do this, but is it right?’
Willow turned off the lights and pressed pause on the screen
‘Jaden, I’m having these feelings, but I don’t what they mean…’
All of a sudden it’s happening faster than I can blink.
Oh damn, oh crap, what will the Fresh Prince think?”

According to TRI’s resident psychoanalyst, Dr. K. West, “These incestual impulses may have been cultivated because of their acute social isolation. It may come as a shock to many, but the brother and sister have never been allowed to fraternize with anyone outside of the Smith Family.”

When we asked Dr. West how he came upon such intimate information into the Smith family’s life behind-the-scenes, the doctor shrugged and said, “I heard that somewhere.”

The Fresh Prince has refused to give a statement, although last night he instagrammed a picture of storm clouds with the caption “God gettin jiggy with it.” The meaning of this message has not yet been deciphered.

BOSTON – In anticipation of his upcoming album Yeezus, Kanye West has partnered with razor maker Gillette on the revolutionary rollout for his new single “Black Skinhead.”

Over the course of the next month, Gillette will pass out free razors to young black men across the country with the directive to “join the gang.” Every person who tweets #IAmABlackSkinhead receives a free download of the song, a commemorative armband, and prime placement on the FBI’s special Gillette-branded watchlist.

“We really wanted a spokesperson who could properly represent Gillette in the marketplace,” said Gillette president Patrice Jean Louis Louvet. “Especially in light of recent controversies, we needed to be certain we were partnering with an artist who understood our message of providing the closest shave possible while also frightening white people and relaying a message of general recklessness and mayhem.

“We knew we couldn’t go with thugs like Rick Ross or Lil Wayne . We needed something wholesome. When we heard ‘Black Skinhead,’ we knew we’d found our match.”

After announcing the deal, West tweeted once.

“AHHHHHHH.”

By MC Infarction

My mother was a real large woman. We talkin Big Momma’s House big, or like eight or nine Wiz Khalifas . And ya boy Rozay grew up being told i was  “big boned,” got them real thicky thick genes n’ shit.

I knew I had to do somethin’ when the doctors said I had a 86 % chance of underbreast sweat, and a 94% chance of pepperoni nipples.

The worst news, was when doctors told me that I had a 117% chance of early-onset mental retardation: I
had the BRCA-SQUAD gene mutation.

That’s right. This bawse made the decision to have a preventative double mastectomy.

HWUH.

I write this now to pave the way for future Rozays who have consumed thousands of chicken wings and dozens of immigrant children without concern for the consequences of breast area.

Yesterday I woke up in a new Bugatti hospital bed and felt like my head would explode. But within an hour, my flow was solid and my nipples, still pristine.

My own process began with eating some regal lobster bisque, having a minor heart attack, and then calling my doctor. He told me the bad news. And when he suggested the mastectomy, I told him that I ain’t no Angelina Jolie .

But then I started sucking down WebMD like it was Wingstop and realized I had no choice.

By  Teflon Don DeLillo

DALLAS–The NRA may actually consider supporting minimal gun restrictions after Gucci Mane tweeted about opening a packet of ketchup with a 9mm Glock.

“This mothafucka won’t open,” Gucci tweeted at Heinz. “FUCK YOU HEINZ POW POW POW #AMERICA.”

In response to the tweet, the NRA held an emergency meeting to discuss the state of firearm use in America today.

“Obviously we want to protect every American’s constitutional right to own weapons that didn’t even exist at the time the Constitution was written,” explained NRA President David Keene.

“But we only use our assault weapons for reasonable purposes, like shooting up elementary schools and movie theaters. Opening a packet of ketchup? That may just be stretching the constitution a bit too far.”

Fortunately, the meeting resulted in a few proposed gun control measures, such as “only allowing Gucci Mane to buy bottled ketchup” and “banning gun purchases by anyone wearing bling, grillz, or pants that are too big on purpose.”

However many Republican congressmen are rumored to block any legislation from reaching a vote, insisting, “guns don’t open ketchup, ketchup opens ketchup.”

By  Weezy F. Scott Fitzgerald

YONKERS – A bevy of rumors surrounding the nature of disguised duo Daft Punk ’s forthcoming album Random Access Memories were squashed yesterday when former Good Burger star Kel Mitchell was found dead in a robot costume in the home of alleged Daft Punk member Kenan Thompson.

“I’m shocked,” said Thompson, wearing a robot suit of his own. “I totally figured Kel was half the Daft Punk duo, but I guess his death suggests otherwise. Not that I’m suggesting foul play.”

While investigators were quick to rule out rumored cameos from Frank Ocean , Michael Buble, and Kriss Kross on the electronic duo’s first album since 2005’s Human After All , they had yet to determine whether Mitchell took his own life, the whereabouts of the murder weapon provided this was a murder, or if the dance duo will be scoring Michael Bay’s long-rumored remake of For Whom The Bell Tolls .

“One thing is clear,” said detective Guy-Manuel de Homem-Christo. “If Kel is dead, he isn’t in Daft Punk after all, anymore, if he ever was.”

If Kenan and Kel aren’t Daft Punk, then Tommy Pickles and Thomas Bangaltar probably are. But if they aren’t, the Flaming Lips and MGMT are probably producing the tracks. Bon Iver or Kanye or Phil Spector or Judd Apatow isn’t with Beck. And Dzhakhor Tsarnaev and Kel Mitchell and Jodi Arias and Reese Witherspoon and Daft Punk and Kriss Kross.

By Weezy F. Scott Fitzgerald

While true Americans already know celebrity entertainer Macklemore as the kid who played Dewey on Malcolm In The Middle for all seven seasons, false Americans and anyone born after 2006 are just now starting to notice the former child star for his recent foray in the realm of popular music.

Last night, from his yacht made of tires and duct tape, Macklemore confided to The Rap Insider his regrets, his grudges, and more.

TRI: “Nice yacht.”

Macklemore: “Yeah, it’s a little leaky, but, you know…”

TRI: “No, please tell.”

Macklemore: “Ryan made it.”

TRI: “OK.”

Macklemore: “…”

TRI: “So, did you ever fuck Lois?” (Ed. Note: Lois, Dewey’s feisty Mom on Malcolm , played by Amy Winehouse).

Macklemore: “Gross.”

TRI: “Gross?”

Macklemore: “I mean, Hal, that guy from Malcolm and the Middle who’s now that guy from Breaking Bad ?”

TRI: “Yeah, Walt, sure. I gotchoo.”

Macklemore: “Yeah, he was all like in possession of her.”

TRI: “Did Dewey ever try to kill Hal on the show? I can’t remember.”

Macklemore: “Dewey would never make it look like Dewey was trying to do anything.”

TRI: “I see. So. We’re including in the lead that you’re opening up to us about your regrets and grudges…”

Macklemore (head tilted towards the moon, fingers massaging chin): “I should’ve spoken up more after being mistakenly placed in the remedial class. I should’ve killed Jamie while the nature of his sex was still ambiguous to the audience. I should’ve spent less time composing operas and more time rapping, because now I see clearly where the money and bosom birds flock. How’d I do?”

TRI: “And grudges?”

Macklemore: “Mac, obviously.” (Ed. Note: Malcolm, Dewey’s genius older brother, played by Mac Miller). “It’s one thing for Reese to tape me to the ceiling, and another thing for Francis to light my tree house on fire with my dinosaur, blanket, and cello in it. But Mac siding with them? His dick is mine.”

TRI: “His dick. It sure is. Perfect segue. So. Your success since the show? What can you tell us about that?”

Macklemore: “What do you mean?”

TRI: “You were nominated for a Grammy…”

Macklemore: “…”

TRI: “You dropped one of the biggest singles ever with ‘Thrift Shop.’ I mean, that just came out of nowhere…”

Macklemore: “…”

TRI: “You’re not Macklemore?”

Macklemore: “No, I am. But the ‘Thrift Shop’ guy? Pretty sure that’s Erik Per Sullivan .”

By  MCTrishtheDish

NORTH KOREA – While playing Words with Friends on his iPhone 5 and watching his new friend Dennis Rodman in the 1997 film Double Team , supreme leader of North Korea Kim Jong-Un decided to model his new robot army after French electronic duo Daft Punk.

The idea came to him when his wife Ri Sol-ju called to see if he had taken his thyroid medication. It so happened to be that her ringtone was the duo’s new song, “Get Lucky.”

Inspired by Rodman’s feats of strength on screen and the funky beats of the song, Jong-un took to his iMac and began drawing a prototype of his army using Paint FX. Highlights of the robots included a metal helmet with a programmable LED display and a red Kimjongilia flower displayed over the “heart.”

The Daft Punk-inspired robots are scheduled to be manufactured in Chongju, also known as the City of Iron, in the same factory where the leader’s male girdles are made.

“See who get rucky now,” said the leader with a chuckle, popping three pieces of bacon-wrapped kimchi into his mouth.

Upon walking in on her husband’s disgusting display of gluttony, Ri Sol-ju turned around and went to her servants’ quarters to get lucky.