The Rap Insider

By Cash Money Slumdog Millionaire

LOS ANGELES – Famed photographer and modern day Humbert Humbert, Terry Richardson, has released a look-book of his latest photographic endeavor: “Gores of the Fame Whores,” a compilation of extremely gory celebrity car wrecks.

“I look at a car crash like erotic roleplay,” Richardson said to TRI while eating a bowl of arugula and fondling his testicles. “The drive is like sweet sweet fellatio, but the ultimate crash, that is the true climax.

“It’s so hard to get off nowadays,” he insisted before taking a break to photograph a 9-year-old Kate Upton look-alike. “And even harder if you’re trying SO HARD to stay within the bounds of the law.”

Tapping into his extensive celebrity rolodex, Richardson followed around Hollywood’s biggest train wrecks and addicts to ensure optimal DUI, smashed car, and crotch shots from the typical socialites: Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan , Amanda Bynes , and most recently, Reese Witherspoon. Richardson confirmed that no crotch shots were taken of Reese since “nobody will even pay to see that.”

“I’m tired of just manipulating young women into photos, I wanted to challenge myself to embrace the organic,” Richardson continued, flicking parmesan flakes off his mustache. “Celebrity car wrecks are just as natural as the time I photographed myself laying with sheep.”

By  Teflon Don DeLillo

DETROIT—Bored teenage girls everywhere and Justin Bieber were saddened to learn of Big Sean ’s exit from Twitter earlier this week. Sources say he gave up on the popular social networking site after failing to start beef with a 14-year-old.

Big Sean was advised by his manager to start fights on Twitter in order to boost the rapper’s street cred because, “Let’s be real, ain’t no way that skinny n*gga gonna win in a real fight.”

The Detroit rapper was excited about the new ploy, exclaiming, “Look I know the whole ‘cyberbullying’ thing is a bit juvenile, but then I saw how it worked for my girl Azaelia Banks . She went from beating bitches up on the streets of Harlem, to going after the big guns like Kreayshawn and Perez Hilton!”

Sean’s feud began when 14-year-old self-proclaimed hip-hop expert @KennyFromDaBlock tweeted, “@BigSean is a joke” to his 39 followers.

Within seconds, the rapper tweeted back, “Oh yeah? You wanna hear a joke? Yo mama!!!! #DoIt #BOI.” Neither Kenny, nor his mom, cared to comment.

Trying to step up his game, Big Sean then went after Chris Brown , tweeting, “Yo @ChrisBrown tell Rihanna I’m in love with dat ass ASS ASS ASS ASS.” Brown replied, “Thanks man, I’ll let her know.”

By DR

EAST POINT, GA – Over a decade after the eccentric rap duo Outkast released their apologetic anthem, “Ms. Jackson,” she has finally decided to forgive them for making her daughter cry.

The reconciliation was orchestrated by none other than Ms. Jackson’s daughter herself, whose name we have kept private due to her participation in the “Hater Relocation Program.”

“My daughter has moved on and so have I,” Ms. Jackson said, adding that her daughter now tours the country visiting local schools to help educate young women on the dangers of being a ho.

A ceremony will be hosted by Bubba Sparxxx at his three bedroom, one bathroom home in Georgia and will include a cookout as well as speeches by serial grovelers Kanye West and Drake .

Ms. Jackson went on to say, “I’m just glad this is all over. They apologized. A trillion times.”

By JFKilla

OAKLAND – A local man returned to his home earlier today to find his door ajar and rapper Lil’ B having sex with his wife. Though upset and confused, he claims to have felt intense thankfulness towards the rapper.

“When I first saw the door cracked open, I was worried that maybe someone had broken in,” said area man Neil Baker. “But when I walked into the living room I couldn’t believe my eyes.”

Baker said the sight of his wife being power-pounded by the rapper came as a huge surprise to him, considering their relationship seemed to be going perfectly fine.

“He just kept repeating the word ‘swag’, and calling himself a ‘pretty bitch’, and a ‘lesbian.’ I don’t understand. At one point I think he even had Susan tell him he looked like Larry King or something.”

“I don’t know why, but I have an insatiable urge to thank him though,” said a sobbing Baker.

Lil’ B could not be reached for comment, but his manager reports that the #BasedGod is currently out “fucking 59 bitches cause he looks like Flash Gordon.”

WASHINGTON, DC – A bold experiment proved that Wale is indeed the blandest rapper alive when a recording studio employee attempted to give the MMG artist some flavor by pouring Sriracha on him.

“It works for eggs, it works on chicken, I even drank it once to see if it made my saliva better. Of course it did,” said engineer Sylvester Bartleby. “It just couldn’t make Wale more palatable. He’s so bland–he’s resistant.”

As Wale finished recording yet another unconvincing verse about his toughness and recent strip club conquests, Bartleby decided to take the drastic action he’d been dreaming up throughout the recording of Wale’s latest nondescript mixtape, Seriously, This Mixtape Is About Nothing — the third in his celebrated Mixtape About Nothing series. [ Ed. note: TRI could not find anyone who would actually admit to liking any of the mixtapes in the series or anything Wale has put out, for that matter ]

As Wale exited the recording booth, Bartleby lured the improbable rap star into the studio’s kitchen, promising “strippers with low self-esteem.” Once there, he shoved an eager Wale into an industrial sized vat of Sriracha.

MMG label-head and resident foodie Rick Ross was unsurprised by the incident.

“Yeah you know I tried to hit the boy with some of that lemon pepper spice when I signed him,” grunted Ross from the bathroom of a Wing Stop, “but that was just a waste of good seasonings.”

Wale could not be reached for comment at time of publication, as he was still dealing with severe welts and minor burns from being bathed in massive quantities of hot pepper sauce.

By  Trillup Seymour Hoffmayne

LOS ANGELES – Will.i.am and Justin Bieber have been working long hours in the studio, creating a new track that Mom will just love.

The pair is no stranger to producing music for Mom, who has been enjoying and singing along with their radio hits for as long as you could feel shame.

“I love all the hits. ‘Lovely Lady Humps,’ ‘As Long as You are in Love with Me,’ ‘Babies, Babies, Babies, Whoah,’” said Mom.

Bieber and Will.i.am are tailoring the song specifically for Mom. The lyrics will be very easy to mess up, any sexual innuendos will be completely misunderstood, and the music video will feature a very easy-to-mimic dance move for her to awkwardly perform with her friends at social functions.

“Ooh those two are my favorites. Justin Beaver was on Ellen DeGeneres and he looked like a little prince. Sam.i.am is very cool and urban but in a way that doesn’t scare me,” said Mom.

The artists had a very specific goal in mind with this new hit.

“We wanted a song that Mom could really connect with. We wanted her to be able to turn up the volume, relax, pour herself a glass of red wine, flip through a Chico’s catalogue, and talk shit about a woman she doesn’t like at work”, said Will.i.am.

By Suri Booze

LOS ANGELES – Disney is celebrating the 15th anniversary of Lindsay Lohan’s The Parent Trap with another remake of the popular film. This time, starring Kimye ’s baby bump and Zooey Deschanel ’s forehead.

“ The Parent Trap has already been remade, so we had to take this version one step further,” said Disney executive Miranda Gigglebert. “Usually we use one actor, but these two look so much alike, we thought we’d go for it.”

Production has been fast and furious, as Kimye’s due date is rumored to be in June.

The baby bump, or “B.B.” as it demands to be called on set, is said to be the bigger drama queen of the two stars and will take in $100 million for the role. “Fivehead”, as Deschanel’s forehead adorkably nicknamed itself, politely asked to be paid in Pez candy.

“My forehead was really nervous, but everyone was really supportive,” said Deschanel. “It’s never done a nude scene before.”

“I’mma let you finish, but I would’ve done both parts if I wasn’t about to pop,” interrupted B.B.

Next, Disney will start production on a remake of Dunston Checks In starring Kris Humphries .

BOSTON – In anticipation of his upcoming album Yeezus, Kanye West has partnered with razor maker Gillette on the revolutionary rollout for his new single “Black Skinhead.”

Over the course of the next month, Gillette will pass out free razors to young black men across the country with the directive to “join the gang.” Every person who tweets #IAmABlackSkinhead receives a free download of the song, a commemorative armband, and prime placement on the FBI’s special Gillette-branded watchlist.

“We really wanted a spokesperson who could properly represent Gillette in the marketplace,” said Gillette president Patrice Jean Louis Louvet. “Especially in light of recent controversies, we needed to be certain we were partnering with an artist who understood our message of providing the closest shave possible while also frightening white people and relaying a message of general recklessness and mayhem.

“We knew we couldn’t go with thugs like Rick Ross or Lil Wayne . We needed something wholesome. When we heard ‘Black Skinhead,’ we knew we’d found our match.”

After announcing the deal, West tweeted once.

“AHHHHHHH.”